Let me start this by saying once again…I can be a little set in my ways, judgmental, and short sighted as times when it comes to meeting or getting to know new people. I could say that it’s my anxiety that causes me to do it but really…let me be honest and admit that it’s a personality trait is unbecoming that I am working on in therapy. This post is about one such example.
I’ve shared how I’ve been making new friends in the local community here, some are DDlg couples, some are D/s and M/s couples are others are single littles and babygirls that I’ve been getting to know. When it comes to single Dom/Master/Daddy’s, I tend to steer clear as past experiances have not been good. It’s either been a means of trying to be my Daddy or a poser using his “newness” as an excuse to be revolting. However, I have made a few friend who is a single Dom/Daddy who has made me look at this means of thinking and realizing how I’ve allowed the actions of those in my past to cause me to short change others.
In getting to know this gentleman, we’ve had great conversations that stem from his genuine interest in learning about the Daddy Dom/ Little dynamic. While he is on Fetlife, he pointed out how it can sometimes be hard to find good resources for learning a new dynamic when your single without people judging you as being a poser or having alterative movites
I originally shared with him the link to the collection of posts Explaining The Daddy/ lg/ Babygirl Dynamic written by Jolynn Raymond for Adult Sex Ed Month in 2015. He liked it and wanted to know more so I also provided him with a link to a Dominant Life on Tumbrl who had a really great section for newbie’s. who I’ve been following for a while and just love bunches. More importantly, I told him about the Loving BDSM podcast and how much I enjoy both Kayla Lord and John Brownstone’s blogs.
This has actually spawned a few conversations not only between ourselves, but in a KIK group that we have in our local community. What has surprised me the most is that this new Dom isn’t asking me as a means of “hitting on me” as myself (and many reading this blog) are thinking…but rather genuine questions on a journey of self discovery. Now let me stop here and add that I’ve meet the “new” dom who wants you to be his little/sub/slave and “teach” him as well as those who say they are new and use it as a defense for the dumb-ish that they do that make no sense.
What I respect about this gentleman the most is that he genuinely takes the time to read the things that I share with him and then comment/talk about them afterwards. He is respectful of my relationship with Sir and more so…shares his personally journey so far as examples of his reasoning’s/belief’s on things. Surprising to me is that I have found myself having intellectual conversations with him that have caused me to stop and not only think of something I “know” but to see it in a new light/way.
One of these is how when we first began talking I blew him off because he was honest about being single and new. It also made me think about past conversations that I’ve had with other single s types about this. We tend to turn off soon after they start to talk or ask questions seeing it as an attempt to get us to lower our guard and take advantage of us and don’t even see that we are doing this. This new Dom shared with me that he see’s his dominant style as more of a Daddy Dom but that it has been hard for him to talk to the babygirls and littles our age due to his lack of knowledge. I wanted to say no it wasn’t but in truth, I can see why.
For those of us in our 40’s and up, we want a Daddy who is close to us in age (aren’t willing to consider younger Daddy’s) but we also want the “strong” and experienced Daddy that will take us in hand and make us feel safe. However, my conversations with this gentleman has caused me to take a step back and ask myself the question of why I think a new Daddy is a bad thing? We don’t overlook new subs so why new Dom’s and Daddy’s? Why don’t we stop to see that with knowledge comes experience and with that comes the feelings of security that we are seeking?
I’ve written before about how my judgmental and closed minded ways sometimes can trip me up…I’m starting to see that this is one of them that I need to work better on. Here is an example….I was sharing with our KIK group that I was STILL feeling out of sorts and upset with myself as to WHY I could not put my finger on WHAT was causing me to feel out of sorts and HOW to convey this to Sir. It really was the pea under my mattress so to speak.
This new gentleman asked if it would be ok for him to call me as there was something that he would like to speak to me about. I agreed and when he called he explained that while he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries, he thought that he could assist me. He asked me to kneel beside my bed with closed eyes and to listen to something. I placed the phone on the bed and did as he asked and was surprised when I hear the Loving BDSM Podcast opening…it was episode 15 – Reseting a Submissive’s Noisy Mind.
In all my talks with Sir, CSM, and Garrick over the 2 weeks of feeling out of sorts, needing a reset never crossed my mind. After the podcast was done, my new friend asked me to think about what resets my mind and to have that conversation with Sir so as to enable him to help me.
It really blew my mind that this “new” Dom who I was going to write off as “probably being a poser” was able to point out something that hadn’t crossed my mind let alone the mind of the 3 “experienced” Daddy/Masters in my life. It showed me how when you’ve been single in the lifestyle and been tripped up by the garbage that washes ashore at times, it can make you overlook the good things that also come along. It showed me that we all make mistakes, say the wrong things or overlook something, but that doesn’t take away what we have to offer when someone takes the time to overlook the misstep, the lack of knowledge, and dig a little deeper.
So the next time a Dom/Daddy/Master approaches you and reveals that he is new and then says the wrong thing or does something to make you question if he is a poser…take a step back and ask yourself if it’s a lack of knowledge or bad personal experiences on your part before you totally write off someone who could be a diamond in the rough working to sand down his rough edges.