Growing up, my mother use to tell me that I needed to act more feminine and girlie so as not to scare the boys away. My Aunt, on the other hand, would say “show a man your strength/power and he will show you how feminine you can be”.
In the vanilla world I’m seen a a strong, confident woman…I am highly respected and a proven leader. In the life style I’m an Alpha sub, a Little, and I have some slave tendencies. I use to refer to myself as complicated when I meet guys to try and help them to not be so overwhelmed in trying to get to know me. Then one day, it was pointed out that I wasn’t that complicated at all, I’m actually just a nesting doll of pleasure.
For those in a quick hurry, they only see and get my outer shell. For those who take their time and open me down to my deeper levels, they get to see me at my baser level…my Little side that is hidden and protected by everything else. For a long time, I’ve tried VERY hard to make it easy for guys to get to know me…thinking that was the quickest route to finding a Daddy.
However, after being on this journey for so long, I’ve realized that Marilyn Monroe had the right idea. If a man can’t handle the bad, naughty, bratty parts of me….does he really deserve the sensual, slutty, submissive side of me? If he isn’t willing to put in the work to care for my Little side/nature, does he truly deserve to have me seated at his feet ready to give myself to serve his ever need and desire?
I’m not alone in this, I know that many of you have this same issue and ask yourselves the same question. At times, we want to give up our journey to find a Daddy/Dom/Master because of the flakes and phonies that we have meet along the way. We tell ourselves that we will simply settle for a strong vanilla guy and yet, even then we feel that ache of something missing when we try.
I can’t be like everyone else, I have to be like me. I can’t try to make myself be simple because in the end, I can only maintain that facade for so long before my true self emerges. So I have to love myself as MYSELF and allow others to do the same. Some men will allow you to hide away inside your shell and others will keep at you until you bare your deepest darkest soul to them. They want you to show this so that they can love it as well.
In the past, I have come to love men who loved all parts of me equally and in doing so allowed me to love the truly dark and twisted parts of them as well. They needed that acceptance from me and gave it as well.
This doesn’t have to be hard, it should be easy….acceptance starts when we stop putting up barricades and allow our partner to see each of the parts hidden inside of us. This is something that I am really good at doing and need to make more of an effort to improve on. Mr. Goodnight told me several times that I never allowed him to see/care for my Little side and in the end, I agreed that I didn’t. I didn’t feel safe to be Little with him as I didn’t think that he would understand me. It wasn’t something that we ever resolved or grew beyond and in the end….I think it’s one of the reasons we never transitioned from friendship to a relationship.
It also taught me to stop being ashamed/afraid of who and what I am. That if someone can’t accept me as Little then to stop repressing that side of me, just reduce the amount of time I spend with them. I have to be safe/free to be me and if that means I lose a friend…that’s preferable to losing myself.