This post….this post isn’t meant to make sense so I apologize now….as it’s intended to purge the torrent trapped inside my mind and soul. I’ve been up for over 24 hours and I still have another 11 hours before I can attempt to rest. There is no where to turn as my brothers, CSM, and Garrick are all busy and Mr Goodnight….the trust I use to have in taking my Little/sub needs/issues to him isn’t there anymore. Vanilla guys don’t understand these things. So what has me so bothered?
My stuffie is lost, I can’t find him and my brain keeps flashing to that show “The First 48 Hours” and thinking how if he doesn’t turn up soon he will be lost forever. My heart is BREAKING and the place I would have gone for comfort no longer feels safe or comforting. This is the WRONG time for a Little break down…it’s not a good time to pull into myself because with my birthday fast approaching…I just don’t think that I can handle it. I was planning to leave this weekend for travel and hiding away before that day but it seems that it has reached out to get me before I could.
So many things I thought I KNEW only to realize I was wrong. How I could have been THIS wrong I don’t know but it hurts even more knowing that the lost of my stuffie could be the price I pay. I NEED him, he has become my anchor (hidden in my purse) when the chaos in my mind becomes to much. I just want my stuffie….I just want him to be found and returned. My stuffie who loves me regardless and makes me the #1 in his world no matter what.
I’m trying to stay in my big girl frame of mind but my Little side is hurt, crying, and lost in the vastness of the confusion in my mind. Self spanking won’t fix this, I want to lash out and hurt as I”m hurting inside and I know that is not right either. I’m sitting at work and…..I just can’t text, I can’t call…I can only sit here with the door closed and cry my broken heart out. How sad is that?
I know that I have to pull it together and that is what this post is…it is giving my Little permission to hurt in the one safe place I can think of so I can place her inside my turtle shell and be an adult. There is no one to fix this, no strong arms to quiet the crazy in my mind, no firm voice to redirect my thoughts of some horrid little kid torturing my poor stuffie. No softly spoken “It’s okay Little One” to help me release and reset.
No….it’s just me, and I can do this but FUCK, it’s hard!!!! I don’t want to be an adult, I just want Polie, a bowl of cheese puffs and his love to sooth me and tell me that everything will be ok and I’m not as stupid as I feel. It’s like 2 hits at once pulling me under and no matter how I fight to the surface it just doesn’t feel like I can win.