Not sure why this didn’t publish before but better late than never LOL
Where do I start? Sooooo May seemed to be the “rebound/come back” month! 3 guys from the past popped back up to “check in” and I’m happy to say that I had NO interest in opening those doors back up. In my mind, I was very clear on WHY I ended things closed that door and that was a HUGE weight off of my shoulders!
I also took 2 weeks off of work to attend a training with CSM and it really cemented in my mind that we made the right decision to remain friends and not try to rekindle our previous romance. That time with him did clear my mind of the “What am I doing, what do I want” questions.
Every morning came the text “Good Morning Angel…be ready to work out” and afterwards breakfast in the hotel lobby as we made plans for the day. He would go to hsi things, I would do mine and then after lunch come back to get me. It made me blush each time he told me that I looked beautiful, sexy, amazing….which had me putting more of an effort into my appearance than I’ve been doing. There were a few days where I was asked to change as he prefers a woman in dresses versus the pants that I had on. I actually bought some sun dresses while I was there and felt sexy/beautiful doing so. I won’t lie, I did consider seducing him…getting the primal itch scratched so to speak but thankfully I had my Posse and Side Kick to talk me down.
Mr. Goodnight really stepped up on communicating with me while I was gone which I will admit made me start to wonder if things on that front were changing…especially when he said that we needed to talk when I got back. However, when I did get back there was no conversation and I came to realize that I REALLY have to stop thinking that way. In fact, this week was 3 months of us seeing each other and I can honestly say that we have settled into a very vanilla routine when we get together.
I use to be open to a little kinky play like spanking and impact toys but realized that I had started pulling back from him when he would make those little overtures. After some deep thinking, I realized that when I leave myself open to adding a little D/s in our mix it makes things confusing in my head and that’s no good. I’ve stopped sleeping over and am in a really good place with our friendship.
Now here is the funny thing. After I came to this realization about Mr. Goodnight a guy whom I had shied away from due to exploring things with Mr. Goodnight reached out to me. Actually the text said “Hey sexy, how are things going with your first choice 😏”. I had to giggle and told him I was well and that we had established a really good friendship. He asked if we were building a D/s relationship and I explained no, we were just friends. He then asked if I would consider giving him a chance to get to know me so I’m trying to do that but for some reason, I’m struggling with it. We are going to meet for dinner next week, so I guess we can wait to see how that goes.
Lastly, a guy who I started talking to back in Dec reached out to me and asked for anther chance to get to know me. A huge part of me wasn’t interested in opening that door again. In my mind I couldn’t forget that it crashed and burned last time because he was so busy at work and kept telling me how he didn’t have time for a relationship, how he wasn’t ready, and how he never expected to meet someone like me and didn’t want to miss the chance to get to know me. During the month that we spent texting, emailing, and talking on the phone we STRUGGLED to find time to actually meet as he worked a lot and always seemed to be busy with no time in his schedule. I can respect a crazy work schedule as lord knows mine can be insane but I do believe that you make time for things that are important.
To show me that this time is different, he insisted that we go to dinner this week and we meet at my favorite place so I would be comfortable. He had me laughing out the gate regaling me with how he had wanted to impress me after the way things ended before. He told me how he considered buying me a dozen balloons but worried about both us us driving with them in the car, and how he had settled for flowers from Wal-Mart during lunch only to have a co-worker “steal them” to make up with his spouse. All through dinner there was touching with compliments shared. I think that I spent more time blushing red in the face than anything. Afterwards he kissed me like he meant it before putting me into my car and fastening my seat belt.
You would think that I would be all excited from a great date but the next day was back to the “I’m so sorry, work is crazy”. This gave me time to think and to realize that what he is offering me is exactly what I have with Mr. Goodnight….only he at least makes time for us to hang out. We had plans for Saturday and he called to cancel Friday night needing to do reports. I won’t lie, he is very successful, has a great retirement plan, VERY romantic, and looks great on paper. However, I don’t want a vanilla relationship and this is NOT a trap I can allow myself to fall into. Not with him and not with Mr. Goodnight.
Add to this that my primal needs have reared their heads since I’ve been back from training and it’s like a monkey on my back. I need that dominance in my life. I need the security of that structure and routine…I need the release of being used for his pleasure….fuck I need a couple of bites and scratches! I’ve thought about bringing it up with Mr. Goodnight but had to be honest with myself that it hasn’t been something that he has brought up, initiated so doing so would be it happening because I wanted it and were is the pleasure in that?
So all of this is to basically say that dating SUCKS in my book! It seems like no matter WHAT I do, I keep finding vanilla even when I am trying to ACTIVELY seek/date D/s. There is that fear that I’m never going to find a power exchange relationship where D/s is desired on both sides. I started 2017 determined to NOT allow myself to get discouraged but to stay positive. I made myself the promise to stay active in my pursuit of the kind of relationship that I want to find.