Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 12 (Introducing D/s to Your Vanilla Relationship)
Everyone is at a different point in life. Some people are married and happily kinky. Others are happily kinky but still single. And some find themselves thinking about kink while worrying about how to tell their vanilla partner. At some point, we can all find ourselves in a similar situation.
If you’ve already gone through this, use this as a way to think about how you told your partner and what worked (or didn’t) for you. If you’re still trying to work up the courage, use today’s email as a starting point. You don’t have to have the conversation today but maybe you can write some conversation starters or points you want to make when you do..
The first time that I had to have a conversation with a vanilla partner was in my 20’s trying to tell my ex that I enjoyed my partner being dominant and the head of the house. This was NOT something that he wanted or enjoyed. He didn’t want a Monarchy with him as the King…he wanted an equal partnership so that he was free to just pass the buck.
After my ex and I spilt, the CSM and I started to date and I remember him sitting me down, telling me that he liked me, he wanted me, but HOW he wanted things to be between us as well. For 3 months he slowing introduced me to his rules and then I got a training collar and he was more strict on his expectations. At 6 months he sat down with our list of rules, agreed to them and I was his. It was so easy that I thought everyone had it so lucky. However, when it came time to share these with DK the first time out the gate I blew it and he thought I was just some weirdo with low self esteem LOL.
I’ve tried to date vanilla a couple of times since and even found myself putting together and “introduction to D/s and DDlg” email to share if/when it came to this point. Now, now I’m not willing to try dating vanilla anymore. In fact, at times I struggle with my FWB with Mr. Goodnight just because it’s a struggle to be all vanilla when we are together.
So the thing that I would urge is, have the conversation about your needs/interests EARLY so as to avoid hurting each other when you realize that they are totally vanilla or if they are willing to explore the lifestyle that you are on the same page. As with DK and I, I want/need 24/7 D/s and he was only interested in it in the bedroom. While we loved each other, it was not something that either of us could compromise on.