It funny, but when you are planning/investing for your future, you make deposits into an account of some sort. So why is it that when we are building our relationships, we don’t do the same? Thinking/viewing your romantic relationship as a bank account is a new “method” being taught to couples to help them build strong and lasting relationships and I have to admit, it makes a lot of sense when you stop and think about it.
Here is something that I borrowed from a the Art of Manliness website, that quickly explains this theory in a nutshell…
Studies conducted by foremost relationship expert Dr. John Gottman have shown that happy couples don’t necessarily fight less or have better conflict resolution skills than unhappy couples. The difference between the former and the latter rather comes down to the fact that in a happy relationship, couples have more positive than negative interactions — on a ratio of at least 5:1. By consistently making deposits of positivity and maintaining this “surplus” of good feelings in their “relationship bank account” a couple creates a buffer that allows them to make regular “withdrawals” (conflict), without it effecting the overall health and stability of their relationship. They’re able to accept each other’s flaws and argue — even poorly — while still maintaining their love, respect, and admiration for each other.
What this means is, we NEED to make an effort to put the good into our relationships. We have to make an effort to ensure that do something to build our relationship with the other person up. This way, when the bad happens, it will be buffered by the good. That when you fight, argue, disagree you may be taking away but you still have a lot to keep your foundation solid. You know that you are loved, wanted, and desires and that you feel the same way towards them. This makes you likely to say truly evil and hurtful things to your partner just because. It makes you MINDFUL of what you are saying because you have put so much effort into making those positive deposits.
Now think about your current relationship with Daddy/Dom/Master, friends, family, or co-workers. You probably already do this without thinking. People have asked me how Garrick and I were able to stay friends and maintain our love for each other after our DD/lg dynamic ended. What I realized is, that while it hurt when we crashed and burned…he had made so many positive deposits that I couldn’t stay mad. I had mad enough positive deposits that he felt safe to reach out to me when he was ready.
Today, as friends and CG/lg we still make positive deposits. We message each other in the morning to check in. Sometimes we don’t make every morning but again…we have that surplus built up. When I am struggling with work, dating, family or friends…I feel SAFE in going to him and sharing these because I know that he will be there for me. But also..he builds me up without me asking and THOSE are positive deposits.
When I know that he is struggling with a project at work or something in another personal relationship, I build him up by letting him know that I believe in him, have faith in him and that in my book he is right up there with Batman. Other times I let him know that to me, he is a hot sexy man that I want to do really bad nasty things to (Giggle). There are times when he feels the need to share the same. These also build the other person up.
So what does this do? #1, it builds and solidifies our trust in each other. #2, it insolates us for the bad. When Garrick’s depression pulls him into the dark and he needs to be alone, I am ok with giving him this space (negative withdraws) because I KNOW that when he is better he will reach out and we will again make positive deposits. When I’m “Little” and struggling, and being on the bratty side (in a bad way) these could be seen as negative withdraws until I’m out of that space/place.
The same goes for my relationship with my Little and life style friends. While we don’t see each other all the time, I try to make sure that I make a positive deposit at least once a week. This way when the negative comes (busy work schedules and family time) we are still in the good.
So I ask you, do you make positive deposits into your relationship funds and if so, then how? If you haven’t been doing this, how can you go about doing so moving forward? One of the key components in a successful D/s relationship is building and working towards a better tomorrow. Making positive deposits, makes that happen.