Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 07: How Do you Communicate
What is your communication style? What happens when you try to communicate your thoughts or needs?
This is a challenge for me, at times in my relationship. While I TRY to always be open and communicate honestly with my Daddy/partner, at times I can get caught up in my feelings and overthink things. It is in these times that I can’t express or eloquent what is on my mind because I’m to overwhelmed by it. This leads me to shutting down and pulling in and then spiraling further into the over thinking realm. This as you can guess is NOT good for my relationship.
In the past, it’s lead to a writing assignment from my Daddy on a topic they think will help me or the “Daddy” request (you know the one where he says “you WILL write….” for me to write him a letter/story and tell him what is bothering me. What this taught me, was that when I start to feel overwhelmed instead of shutting down I need to write it out and then share it with my Daddy Dom so as to allow him to help me and know what is going on with me.
So I would say that my communication style is both verbal and written. I’ve also learned that it helps to have a partner that desires good communication as much as you do so that when you struggle, they are there to help you. It’s not always the Dominant who has to be patient and work with the submissive on expressing themselves. At times, our Dominant may have something on their mind that they are working through and we have to be patient and allow them the time to formulate what they need to share.
In many ways, one of the most valuable skills we can have is that of ACTIVE LISTENING. Active listening means, you are LISTENING when your partner is talking and not planning your rebuttal. It means that when they are done speaking, you will repeat what you heard so as to confirm that you heard correctly and THEN address what was said. In active listening, you also take ownership of your feelings by using “I feel” instead of “you make me feel”.
We also need to be mindful that we are communicating the way that your partner needs to receive it versus how we need to express it. This can be hard at times when you have SO MUCH bottled up inside of you that just needs to be purged. You don’t think about HOW it’s received, if your being fair to your partner or anything else. In these moments, you are just a verbal/emotional volcano erupting and not really communicating.
An example of this would be me when I’m in my little space and trying to express everything that is being held inside of me. I can even forget to take a breathe between words when I’m that animated. So is it fair for me to expect my partner to understand what I’m saying or to hope that they will allow me to purge and THEN communicate productively.
The thing to remember, no two people will ALWAYS communicate the same way, but in time and with work we can get better at it and come to the point where we aren’t mind readers but we are actively expressing our needs to our partner and also actively listening to what our partner has to say.