Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 06: How Will You Handle Conflict in D/s?
No matter how great a relationship may be, conflict, disagreements, and arguments will happen. How do you handle conflict now? How do you imagine handling it in D/s? What do you think you’ll need to do differently in a D/s relationship?
Conflict can be hard in ANY relationship whether it’s work, friends, family, or a significant other. How we handle it can set the tone of our relationship with them. If your hot headed and heated then it can be hard for someone to talk to you and share an issue, problem or concern. If you pull into yourself and take everything personally, it can also cause issues with your partner communicating with you.
For me, I do NOT like conflict and try to communicate my issues/problems before they become disagreements or arguments. That does NOT mean, that I always succeed or have never had them in my relationship. Iwish that I could say, that I’m great at avoiding them, fixing them, and just awesome but in truth, I tend to pull into myself and shut down when I don’t want to deal with the conflict, disagreement or argument which I KNOW is not a good thing to do.
I am lucky in that the men I have chosen to submit to in the past, were great at communication and when conflict, disagreements came up, they were addressed head on so as to avoid having arguments. What I have learned from them was that they didn’t want me to say “yes Sir” in agreement when it was just to end the argument but rather, they wanted to see ME stand up for myself in honesty and now cower in deferment.
So what I’ve learned is that in a D/s relationship, the best way to handle conflict, disagreements, and arguments is to:
- BELIEVE that you are worth the work and effort to get past this. Don’t allow the insecurities to keep you quiet in your corner/shell.
- TRUST your partner. This is part of why protocols and training are important. You learn to trust that they have your best interest at heart when they ask questions that make you uncomfortable. You trust that they do not want for your relationship to stay in this yuckie place that it’s in and that they need your trust to lead you both out. You have to trust that when they ask “why are you unhappy, sad, mad” they genuinely WANT to know.
- Do your part. Don’t expect your Dominant to do all the work because they are the dominant. You have to use your words and communicate your feelings and actively work towards a solution with your partner. If you don’t do this then nothing gets resolved and you both will drown in the swirling black hole of nothing that comes from this.
- Commit to the solution. You can’t say that you agree to let something go and then keep bringing it up. You can’t say that you forgive and yet in your heart you are still holding a grudge every time they do/say something. You can’t say that you want to move forward and yet your still wallowing in the pain, sadness, hurt feelings and not making the effort to put it behind you.
D/s is about being your best self. It’s putting your dynamic and partner before yourself and it’s being vulnerable to another person in a deep and connected way. I’ve asked Garrick a few times “why do you always have to fix things with us” and his reply was “because I’m the Daddy and it’s my job”. When pressed, he said it was because he owed it to me to be the best he could be and give me the best he could.
So I think that this is the best way to describe how to handle conflict, disagreements, and arguments in a D/s dynamic. Don’t dwell on what is wrong, but owe it to yourself and your partner to be your best and give them your best.