Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 04: Negotiation is a Fancy Word for Talking
People read the word “negotiation” and imagine some sort of back and forth thing around a table in a formal way. It can be that, sure, but mostly it’s just the conversation you have to figure out what kind of D/s relationship you want for yourself. Submissives have the right to, and should, ask why a rule/task/ritual is being put in place and both sides should have the freedom to disagree, suggest other things, and make sure their needs are being met.
Negotiations aren’t a one time thing either. You’ll come back to this over and over again in your relationship. Will you have a contract? Do you need a checklist? What exactly does a negotiation sound like?
When you hear “Negotiation” in our life style, some get freaked out thinking “OMG it’s this FORMAL thing that I need a lawyer for”. For me, when I hear it, I think of a conversation with a purpose. Both parties know WHAT you are sitting down to talk about and both WANT to have it. When it is done, you will both have a clear understanding of what you have agreed to. Many times, it ends with signing a contract but it really depends on the dynamic and the personalities of those involved.
Personally, I’ve never had a formal BDSM contract, I’m not saying that is bad, just not something that I have ever had in one of my relationships. For me, my rules started with my Daddy bringing up the issue/subject and U/us having a conversation in which we both discussed and came to a common agreement to make it either a long term or short term rule in O/our relationship.
- Side note: due to “supposedly” naughty thoughts/deeds that involved “supposed” abuse of grey area’s at times in my past relationships I have been required to write down my rules once they have been “agreed” to so as to allow us both to go back and review when/if needed. This also allowed us to add edits/addendums as needed.
They also aren’t always the “smooth” conversation that you may picture in your mind. The important thing to remember is that not everything is resolved/settled within a few minutes. Sometimes we have to table a conversation and continue the negotiation after maybe a good nights sleep or both parties have had time to think things over.
For example, you may go to your Dominant and say “Sir, I need you to text me good morning every morning when you wake up” and you expect that he will be a good Captain and simply say “Of course Little One”. But in reality, he might not be able to do that as he isn’t a morning person and before he has his 3 cups of coffee he can’t function and he doesn’t get coffee until he is on his way to work. Therefore, he might come back and say “I will text to check on you before noon”. Once you agree, it goes on your list/in your contract.
Or, your Dominant could say “I want you to be kneeling with my pipe and slippers every day when I come home from work to greet me” you, like myself would probably ask “why” and a good Dominant would tell you the need/reason it serves. You (like myself) would probably start to think about HOW to make it happen and ask if he could text you when he is a few minutes away or parking the car so as to keep you from kneeling for HOURS waiting in the event that he gets held up. If he isn’t willing to agree to this but instead were to say “No, I should be home by 5pm so I want you kneeling at 5pm”. At this point, if you agree on the spot, then it goes on your list/in your contract and will be something your expected to do. However, if you find yourself wondering, is this something that I want to agre to? Is he taking my welfare into consideration? Then you have the right to say “Sir, I need some time to think on this please. At this point, you should both agree to talk at a later/agreed upon time. When you come you will both have an idea of where you stand on this issue and if it’s a deal breaker for your relationship if you don’t agree.
The biggest thing about negotations for me is that it is a time for me as a submissive, ask my Dominant for something that I think I need and to ask for their assistance, their support, or for them to provide accountability for something. I also have to keep in mind, that if it’s something that my Dominant can’t provide he will provide an alternative so we can work together to figure out something works for both of us. Then again, he could simply tell me why we can’t do it. Either way, it’s a conversation that provides us both with a clear understanding of each other’s feelings and desires.
Well that’s the long and short of my thoughts on negotiations within a D/s relationship. I want to add that Kayla provided some really good resources with this writing prompt so if you would like more information, you should head over to the Loving BDSM website and check them out. As before, I invite you to share your thoughts below or to visit the Loving BDSM website and join the 30 Days of D/s journey.