Loving BDSM’s 30 Days of D/s – Day 01
What does dominance in a relationship mean to you? What traits will a Dominant have? How should a Dominant behave?
Ok so I had to think on this for a couple of days as I REALLY wanted to give an honest answer and not just blow it off with 2 sentences. My apologies for the nerdy/geek and Little explanations. To start, dominance in a relationship (to me) means this is the person who has chosen to be responsible for the decision making in the relationship/dynamic.
Which means the Dominant is the CPT Picard of your Enterprise and you, their submissive, are their first officer/Will Riker. The Dom plots the course that you will travel as you explore. They determine where you will go, for how long, and at what warp speed. They consult you as their #1 in these decisions and delegate your tasks but in the end….the final decision is up to them.
The traits of a dominant, for me, are:
- Confidence in their decision making: Can they make the final decision and accept the consequences of that decision? They don’t have to see themselves as the greatest thing since sliced bread, they just need to have confidence/belief in themselves to always do their best and when they make a mistake, they will have the strength of character to fix/correct it.
- A Dominant strives to be their best self and will help those in their charge/care to do the same. Which means that while a Dom may not be buffed up beef cake, they still take steps to take care of themselves. If their sub says she/he wants to work out, lose weight and get into shape the Dom will help them to come up with a plan, provide accountability for them and helps them to reach realistic goals. Sometimes, it is the caring for their subs needs that provides the Dom with the extra drive to do better themselves. A Dominant does not practice “Do as I say, not as I do” but rather, they lead by example.
- Communication: Going into a D/s relationship there is always a LOT of conversation/questions as you get to know each other. A Dominant uses this as a means to not only get to know you but to learn your limit’s and boundaries. While a subs limits will be pushed, they should NEVER be ignored or violated. If this happens accidentally, a good Dom will work hard to repair the damage and rebuild the trust. A Dominant also speaks with clear actions verbs so as to enable their submissive to know/understand what is expected of them and follow directions if needed. Examples:
- “You will be ready to go at 8pm tonight”
- “When you leave to go home you will text me before you get on the road and then again when arrive to let me know you are safe.”
As for how a Dominant should act, #1 for me is that a Dominant is in control of him/herself. That doesn’t mean they don’t get upset or angry but rather, they aren’t afraid to speak up and call time out during a disagreement or to say that they need to think about something before speaking in anger. A Dominant doesn’t not say things to tear their submissive down but rather, makes a point to use their words to build up their sub and reinforce the subs value to their Dom. Examples:
- Things like, “You look sexy/beautiful/gorgeous” when greeting their sub. This lets the sub know that they are wanted and desires by their Dominant.
- Terms of endearment that they know brings joy to their sub (For me these would be when Garrick calls Kitten, when CSM and DK use to call me Selina Mine, and when MP use to call me Babygirl). This also reinforces their value to the sub.
- Phrases like “you did good” or “Good Girl” when their sub completes a task correctly or is celebrating a work achievement.
While many sub’s live to serve their Dom, a good Dominant also serves the needs of their sub. This is done in MANY ways, from opening doors and holding chairs, to getting a warm rag after a scene and cleaning their sub’s body as part of aftercare. It can even be agreeing to forms of micromanagement to assist a sub in meeting goals (like having to ask before you smoke a cigarette or permission to eat certain things).
This is just a small same of things ways that Dom’s show their Dominance within a relationship. I invite you to share your thoughts below or to visit the Loving BDSM website and join the 30 Days of D/s.