Today Mr. Goodnight and I have been seeing each other for 2 months and no, we still haven’t moved forward into anything resembling a TPE or D/s dynamic and I recently realized that I’m ok with that. I think that some parts of me kept waiting for him to want to have a conversation about us moving forward or for me to feel submissive towards him when it was not of my own making. Other parts had come to accept that while he cares about me, this is purely a “friends with benefits” arrangement and will never be anything more.
What lead to this realization? Two weeks ago while we were talking he shared with me that he had gone on a date with another submissive. I didn’t feel jealous, just perplexed that after his proclamations of not having time to devote to building a D/s relationship due to his hectic work schedule that he would entertain getting to know another sub. I asked him if he had told her about me and he affirmed that he had. I asked how he explained our relationship and he said “friends with benefits” and that cemented what I had suspected and left no room for doubt.
I wasn’t mad or jealous as he’s never said that he saw me as his sub/little/slave. Laying next to him that night, I realized that this knowledge removed any confusion and that I now how some decisions of my own to make. I wasn’t even hurt or upset knowing that he is probably doing the same things with her that he does with me when they spend time together. If nothing else, I was grateful for the honesty. He was honest with me in the beginning that he wanted a poly relationship and he was honest in telling me that he went out on a date with someone else.
You see, during the time that we have been seeing each other, when Dom’s or Daddy’s reached out to me, I declined saying I was getting to know someone and choosing to devote my time to being mindful of Mr. Goodnight’s feelings and getting to know him. With both of our busy schedules, I felt it only fair and that getting to know others as a potential partner would take away from that. Did he say he expected this from me, no. Did he ask me not to date others? Again, that would be a no. This was an expectation that I put on myself and when I reflected on it, I realized that he was right when he said that I have high expectations of myself that don’t/shouldn’t be applied to others.
I know that he cares for me, that he enjoys spending time with me and that my feelings matter to him but I am coming to accept that this is the extent of where this will go. At some point, he will meet/find someone who calls to him as a Dom and he will engage as such. That person is not me and I’m ok with that as I have come to care for him as well and want him to be happy. I think that when our physical relationship ends we will remain really good friends. As for me, when Dom’s and Daddy’s message me now, I remind myself that I should be getting to know them and to seeing if anything develops if I want to find a fulfilling D/s relationship.
Let’s be honest, the kinky sex, the kneeling, the bowing are parts of D/s relationships that are amazing and we all get wet and achy with want when we think about doing them. But they aren’t what defines a dynamic or make it a power exchange. Feeling submissive is a mental thing…it comes from the rituals and protocols that reinforce the power exchange. I haven’t felt like a submissive when we are together and it causes me to feel needy and more clingy.
Am I saying that Mr. Goodnight does nothing for me and all we do is fuck, no. There are times that it really does feel like he is trying to understand and meet my primal and little needs and I appreciate that a TON and it’s one of the things about him that draws me in and keeps me coming back. What I am saying is that I don’t want to end up a few years from now wondering how I ended up in another vanilla relationship when that isn’t what I wanted.
In fact, I know that this is my biggest fear as a dear friend is dealing with this exact situation. Her Daddy is content to not be a Daddy or a Dom and just expects her to self-care and enjoy the vanilla closeness that they share. She is now facing walking away from a man she loves dearly or learning to ignore a part of herself that he will probably never do anything to provide for. He and I are also friends and spoke on this, when I asked if he misses D/s or being a Daddy Dom he just shrugged and “explained” that it was too hard in their current situation and that they “might” look at adding it when things got better.
I don’t want that, it’s the exact reason I ended things with DK and it’s why I strive to be honest with myself and my feelings. I don’t know what the future holds…but I do know that I am here on this merry go round keeping myself open to what the future and the universe have in store for me. I am evolving and learning in the ways that I approach this journey. I’m learning to not judge a book by it’s cover and to take my time in making choices. I’m also learning that it’s ok when things don’t go as expected. They can either turn around or lead you to the path your meant to be on.
So I guess lets wait and see what another month brings shall we?