This has been a hard week in some ways and a weird one in others. Last week I started running a fever on Wed and thought I was coming down with a cold so I took cold meds. By Friday I had a pain under my left boob that HURT LIKE HELL when I moved or did too much. I tried to shake it off but in the end, I went to urgent care and was told to follow up with my Dr as their x-ray machine was broken. I shared with them that my Dr has suggested doing an ultrasound as my IUD strings had moved and I just hadn’t had time to do it. In truth, I was putting it off scared of what they would say.
Saturday night, Mr. Goodnight insisted that I come over instead of sitting at the office being nonproductive. I did and it was nice to lay against him and not feel like I had to be “big” and make decisions. Sunday morning, I got up to head up with the intention of going back to the office to finish tasks that I hadn’t gotten done on Friday due to the pain. Mr. Goodnight asked me to come back and lay down at his place and at the end said it would make him feel better knowing that I was. I never made it back to the office but did go back to his apartment to rest. A part of me started to resist but being that he had given me his spare key I didn’t want it to seem that I was turning up my nose at his kind gesture.
Monday I picked up Drill SGT from the airport and we went to my doctors appointment together. In the end, I was told that my boob pain was from something called Costochondritis and was basically a pulled muscle but more importantly, my IUD had moved and had to come out. I was grateful for my brother being with me because I didn’t want to think about it, didn’t’ want to deal with it, just wanted to stick my head in the sand and ignore it. The thought of having to get it taken out scared me and I whined about it. Drill SGT’s response…”Let’s call Joy and tell her how much this will hurt and how scared you are. I’m sure she will understand, going through cancer and all”…FUCKTARD used my own friends cancer card against me.
In the end, it came out and it HURT LIKE FUCK! I got light duty and half days at work and both Drill SGT and Garrick were ADAMENT that I was going to lay down and rest. Mr. Goodnight suggested it as well. In the end, I ended up sleeping a lot because DS kept putting on Disney movies for me to watch and Garrick kept texting DEMANDS that I close my eyes and sleep. ASSHATS got on my last good never and I was thankful to drop DS off at the airport and start getting back to normal. The sweetest thing, Mr. Goodnight offered to come over and help me pack for my work trip this weekend even though he had to work long hours. I felt horrible about saying yes but in the end just acknowledged my selfishness and said yes to his offer. In the end, he slept over with me and it helped to calm my fears to lay in my bed and listen to his light snoring.
I am blessed to be so loved by so many and I’m grateful for their love…buy laying in bed that night, I realized that it is hard for me to “ask” for help and assistance because my abandonment issues rear their ugly head in the little voice that asks “what if they say no”. I’m blessed that those who know me understand this and no longer “ask” if there is anything that they can do but instead simply TELL me what will happen. They do it in such a way that I don’t even question if I will allow it or not. Let me add that I don’t enjoy it when EVERYONE does this as my supervisor at work has put her foot down in “enforcing” my light duties, proclaiming she no longer will tolerate my potty mouth, and how I will begin to keep better hours when it comes to work. My response….to call her every kind of dumb ass that I wanted in my head, being mindful not to let the ACTUAL words come out. However, I did bring this up to my therapist who pointed out that it’s not wrong to enjoy the safety that this provides to me as long as I don’t expect EVERYONE to engage me in such a fashion.
At one point, I MAY have allowed my lack of respect for authority to seek out when talking to Garrick and almost ended up with a REALLY bad punishment. Luckily he is wrapped so tightly around my little finger that my “poor woo is me” pity claims deferred him from his pound of flesh. (Giggle) What can I say, he claims to be a powerful beast but in truth, he is a tamed lion in my circus 😉. My therapist told me that I should be careful in poking a sleeping bear but I’m feeling pretty safe and secure in my cacoon. That could be in part that I know he is busy at work and not likely to realize it until after the “punishment” clock runs out LOL.
Ok, off to bed as I have to work tomorrow…good night everyone ❤