Expectations in a relationship can be hard but what about expectations of yourself? In getting to know Mr. Goodnight, he has pointed out a few times that my expectations are not the same as others and a lot of times when he says it, it feels like a slap. Last night for example, I told him that I view myself as a product of the men in my life. That I always try to conduct myself in a manner that would bring honor and pride to the one that I serve. I have been blessed to have had some good men come through my life in addition to the not so good ones. His response was that he didn’t share my views on this.
At one point, I disengaged from the conversation on a personal level and stepped back to a safer place of an intellectual exchange. In the end, I finally just choose to see it as we were saying the same thing but different ways. For me, I feel that….
- My Uncle taught me the value of being a respectable lady and to bring honor to the house I am a part of. That no matter what I did, it was a reflection of him and my aunt and how they raised me. It didn’t matter if they were with me or not, I was a reflection of the pride I called family and I did not want to bring same on it.
- My brothers taught me that when a man says he will protect and care for you…then trust him to do that. Being almost 20 years younger than A, I grew up watching him and T care for their wives as well as my brother-in-law M. (I always thought this was just a Mason thing until I found Garrick and realized it’s a universal Male thing)
- The MP taught me that when you give your submission, give from your heart or don’t do it at all. To be proud of my natural need to submit and serve and to take pride in the way that I love with all my heart and give freely from there.
- CSM taught me to embrace my sensual and sexual needs and not to be ashamed of them. He taught me the freedom of going to the one you serve, falling to your knees with lowered eyes and confessing what is in your soul can release the demons that hide in there. He was the first to accept my Little and to help me accept my age play needs.
- Garrick…Garrick helped me to embrace and accept my slave and Primal needs. He showed me the freedom in feeding from another Primal person. He opened me to the world outside of my bubble and awakened in me the freedom to express not only the hunger inside but the DESIRE to hunt.
I try to always conduct myself in a way that is a true representation of the journey that I have traveled and I do not accept going backwards just because the one who revealed the truth is no longer the man in my life. These wonderful men are dear sweet friends who still give me love, support, and encouragement to find the one who will help me along the next leg of my journey. If you were to reach out to any of them to ask what kind of sub I was when I served them, they would speak highly of me and I would want the one asking to be able to do the same as well.
It’s funny but I struggle to open to others at times and our talk last night showed me that I am struggling now. The fear of showing the darkness and being judged for it driving me to think before I speak and choosing my words carefully. My primal side battles with my slave and sub to protect. I can’t help it but sometimes I feel like a lioness laying in wait, watching what you will do and if you are a danger to me.
Why? Because as strong a sub and woman as I am…I’m still Little as well as emphatic. I hear the change in your tone as well as feel it. I see the shift in your eyes and it engages my brain. I think that’s why I find it so annoying when the man in my life can tell when my brain engages and when I am overthinking something…but I also need that. I need that accountability and that connection. This is what allows me to connect with the one that I serve and to feel secure.
I am very much a fire sign, my passionate nature sometimes getting the best of me. In fact, I’ve come to realize that this is why The MP, CSM, and Garrick LOVED to push my buttons and throw me off balance. When I was faltering I couldn’t hide….I couldn’t compartmentalize, and I couldn’t build walls. All I could do was cling to their energy and trust them to lead me which they always did. My darkness was there to be seen and they in turned showed me theirs.
Fucking mental Sadists (Giggle) they fed off of that and me…I guess I needed to be that food as it allowed me the release that I needed. There is something about being commanded to your knees, to being told to close your eyes and to center yourself in the darkness of your own mind. To being pushed to breathe and to give yourself over to him…to allow him to feed and pull that from you. To give yourself over to the power exchange and to trust in it.
Anyone can ask you to serve them by cleaning their house, doing their taxes, running their errands. Those I can do without thought…I do it for a living. But to give of your soul, to share the things that you keep behind the curtain…that is the submission that is the hardest to give.
Each time a relationship ends, for whatever reason, you have to process it and move forward. You have to allow yourself to being open to new things and in doing so, I guess I have come to expect certain things of myself and others. I’m guessing that is why I am so choosy as to who I call friends and whom I love as family. It’s why I choose to be open to dating anyone but only submitting to a man of quality and character.
In my D/s journey, I have been blessed to have been taught the right ways to be respectful and mindful in my power exchange. I’ve had good and bad and I refuse to allow the bad to overshadow the good. I have never been one to compare one partner to another as they have all been different. They have all loved me different but they have taught me one universal thing…that when you get it right…it’s an AMAZING thing.
It’s that belief that keeps me centered and on this road to finding my forever. It’s that expectation that some day my Prince will come and we will be perfect for each other. So maybe my expectations are to high, maybe I do expect to much of men, and maybe I do have a warped view of the D/s life style and the relationships within it. I have seen proof that it can happen so I just have to be patient and allow the universe to have her way with me. You want to know the good thing about expectations? They grow and change as you evolve….they are fluid as you go through life and I’m realizing that I’m ok with that.