On Tuesday when I shared with Mr. Goodnight how crappy my day had been, he invited me to hang out for a little while after work and I’m glad that I did as we had a good time. We got BBQ for dinner and chatted about our day and just relaxed. It was nice to have someone to vent and share the days happenings with. We even spent time brain storming a project of his before I gathered myself together and took myself home. I’ll admit that a part of me wanted to spend the night and yet there other part of me didn’t want to feel like I’m suffocating him.
Once home we chatted a little more as I got myself ready for bed before climbing between the sheets with my iPad for a bedtime story. I laid there and as I listened to the story that I had selected, I found myself thinking about Mr. Goodnight and I and where we are headed. This has been going through my mind since then and I’m still no closer to really having a good answer.
We have been getting to know each other for 23 days now and it’s been great. We have no expectations of each other and other than the 1 minor impact play session we are
primarily vanilla in our interactions with each other. We have talked about our needs and wants, we have discussed our desires for the future and with a partner, and he knows that I do want a relationship with him.
However, I realized that I have no idea if he desires one with me in return. Before he called and greeted me with “hello beautiful” on Thursday, I wasn’t even sure if he thought I was pretty, desirable, or even sexy. Don’t get me wrong…this isn’t a pity cry or a “woe is me” because I knew that he wanted to take things slow in getting to know each other. If nothing else, I’m proud of me for being mindful of this and being patient with following his lead.
While doing this thinking, I did realize 2 things…
- He is not a spanko and has no desire for it. Oh he enjoys slapping my ass (I do have a big behind) in playfulness but he does not have a desire for spanking like I do.
- Story time will never be a part of our relationship. I’ve asked him to tell me a story 4 times now and of those 3 times it didn’t happen with him saying he fell asleep before it was time and the 1 time we were together he didn’t try to make one up but just said that he doesn’t know any stories. 4 is my limit…I’m not going to ask again. If he wants to he can and if he doesn’t then he won’t.
Now, I’m not freaking out and going “Little Crazy” or anything…I am taking these things in strive and being honest with myself that at some point I need to ask myself how important these things are to me and if they are things I can live without.
Last night was the 4th and finally time that I asked for a story, and another night that it didn’t happen and we didn’t talk. We hadn’t spoken today so at 4:30pm (the 24 hr point) I reached out to ask “are you made at me?”. 6 hrs later I got “Good evening…. And no I’m not made at you” I thanked him and left it at that.
I could have reminded him that we were supposed to get together tonight before I leave to go out of town. Could have asked why I hadn’t heard from him all day but in the end, why? If he wanted to share why I hadn’t heard from him all day he would have. If he remembered that we were going to spend time together he would have reached out earlier to cancel or reschedule and he didn’t. Therefore neither things meant anything to him and I’m not going to force myself on others or beg for their attention.
I could fixate on “he found someone else and wanted to spend time getting to know her. I could spend myself crazy thinking that he was ignoring me as punishment for being to direct/honest in our conversation yesterday. To be honest, in the past I would have done both but I’ve evolved and I’m not going to do this. I will not allow myself to spin out because I am hurt or feeling insecure. I will instead leave it there and see where it goes organically.
Either it gets better and we get closer or we don’t and go our separate ways. Either way, it’s better to know the truth. It’s better to not throw myself into something only to realize I”m the only person putting in work to meet the others needs and not having my own met in return.