During my 2nd date/meeting with Mr. Goodnight, I found myself internally pulling into my turtle shell over a question that he asked me. I shared this question with the Glitter Girls the next morning and Cinn immediately come back with “That’s easy, you already know what you want”.
Honestly…I really thought that I did know the answer to this question. I have spent MANY a blog posts on my old blog waxing on this subject. Having a conversation about my expectations, desires, and needs…was a new and scary thought for me. It kept me from spending the night at his house (misdirection with a grey lie), and then not being able to fall asleep once I was home in my own bed. I’ve thought about his question all day and at one point realize that while I had not come up with a means of answering his question…I did realize that I was guilty of not just 1 crime but in fact 4. On top of the tip toe into the grey area of the truth, I was also of misdirection, avoidance, and using sex to get out of being truthful.
I thought I was home free and yet 48 hours later we are on our 3rd date, I am back at his house and he is again asking me and I’m again avoiding the conversation. To the point where we ended up standing in the kitchen with him holding my chin so that as to make me look at him and telling me that he NEEDED to know the answer so as to allow him to know if he could be what I want and need. I tried to explain to him that in a way I KNOW what I want, but am having a hard time formulating it. I even pulled up my old blog to show him what I had written before.
Finally, the poor guy gave me permission to write them out and we will talk later. This actually even lead into me sharing my old rules with him and him sharing a previous slave contract he had used. As I laid in his arms listening to him breathe, I thought back over our conversations and realized that this had been the 4th time he has made this request of me. Here was this great guy, snuggling me with my stuffie and I couldn’t answer 1 simple question!
So for the past week, I’ve been working on this email/list and it wasn’t easy. Everything gets all caught up in my head wondering what is to much, what is silly, what is stupid. Normally I am a motor mouth running a million miles per hour and yet when he asks me these 4 words…NOTHING.
Yet, I see him TRYING to be good to me and it annoys me that I can’t express this. At one point….I blamed him for the block citing his lack of calling me on the lying/misdirection the 2nd night. I tried to tell myself that it caused me to question if he was strong enough to deal with me. Yes folks…THIS is the level of crazy that goes on in my Little brain!
Angel on right shoulder: Selina, it really is a simple request
Devil on left shoulder: Nope, it’s going to be the reason he runs for hills
Angel on right shoulder: Better to be honest for both of your sakes
Devil on left shoulder: If he was the one for you, he would have reddened your bottom when you confessed you used sex to manipulate him
Angel on right shoulder: He told you, he has no expectations of you right now and appreciated your honesty
Devil on left shoulder: Translation: YOUR TO MUCH! Keep it short and simple!
Angel on right shoulder: Be honest and up front Selina
Devil on left shoulder: Get your dildo and get yourself off….you’ll feel better
Angel on right shoulder: No, that isn’t going to solve anything
Me…I masturbated and fell asleep without writing ANYTHING LOL!
After our conversation last night and feeling more secure in us getting to know each other I was finally able to focused on expressing what I want and need from the man in my life. I even turned to a few friends who are amazing at using their words for help in expressing the entire crazy in my head and heart.
No sooner I get done…I realize I have written a novel and set out to clean up the formatting thinking this will make it shorter…nope, still more than 2 pages!
Angel on right shoulder: Selina, he is going to appreciate your honesty and clarity
Devil on left shoulder: Bitch he is running from your crazy ass on the NEXT train to ANYWHERE!
Angel on right shoulder: If he does, then he isn’t the one for you
Devil on left shoulder: EDIT BITCH EDIT!!!!!
Angel on right shoulder: DON’T YOU DARE!!!!
Devil on left shoulder: (nudge nudge towards delete key)
Now…just as I was about to give in to that little Devil, I get a message from Mr. Goodnight
Mr. Goodnight: How is your day going?
Me: email is down so everyone left around 11am and I have been sitting here writing and finally finished my “What do you need” list
Mr. Goodnight: For me?
Me: so now trying to edit it…cause it became a novel
(Giggle) well you were the one who asked me
it’s like 4 pages 😮, I meant to stop at 2
Mr. Goodnight: So you’re going to print it out for me and give it to me later?
Me: LOL…no I’m going to edit it down to 1 page and email it and it’s only my work email that is down…I’m on my personal hotspot
(after thinking for a few minutes) I’m sorry….that was the wrong answer
would you prefer for me to edit it down or print and bring you all of it Sir?
Mr. Goodnight: Bring it all without edits
So I like a good girl, I printed and then closed that file to keep my self from doing any further edits. I instead pulled this up and write this here…this being one of those posts I talked about finishing earlier. I don’t know why I’m nervous…I’m in agreement with both the angels…
Angel on right shoulder: He asked you to be honest and share all of you with him…this is a good thing
Devil on left shoulder: Bitch, it’s not like he’s going to actually spank you so your good!
I’ve told you, there be some SERIOUS crazy going on in my head and sometimes…it just gets crazier (Giggle).