Having had the benefit of good solid DD/lg relationships in the past…I sometimes find myself feeling lost in the freedom of being single. I miss having a Dom to care for me, guide me, hold me accountable for what I do and what I don’t do. During the last 6 months of self evaluation I had to realize that the prelude to my sub/little frenzy was my need for dominance in my life. My need for accountability was leading me to lower my standards of what I was looking for and what I was willing to accept in a relationship.
My desire for that mentor in my life blinded me to seeing the truth in many situations that I should have recognized this but often when your in the eye of the stop it’s hard to see it coming. So I’ve found myself taking on the role of self punishing and let me just say…it’s been HARD! I’m doing my best to be accountable to myself for staying on track with eating right, working out, going to bed on time and lets just say…I miss that mark a LOT!!! My self confidence outside of work is at a low. I struggle to find my self worth and use that as a justification for having missed a meal or a work out. As you can imagine, that pendulum can swing back and forth all day long.
So at the beginning of the month, I sat down and wrote out a list of the rules and punishments that have worked for me in the past. I then created a check list for the day and at the end of the day I review it to see where I stand. Let me be honest here…it’s NOT EASY and to be honest with you, most nights I’m setting a timer and placing myself in the corner for 5 minutes, giving myself a spanking for missing meals, missing bedtime…and for not really putting any efforts into saying my affirmations.
What I am finding, I suck at this as well. It hurts yes, but only on a physical level. There is no sense of shame, no sense of deep seeded need to do better. Just the nagging feeling of disappointment in myself and the whisper to just give up and wallow for the day. And yet…I get up, dust myself off, and I try again. I just keep putting that one foot forward in the hopes that at some point I will stop feeling like I’m doing a square dance and actually making progress forward.
It’s almost 1am and I am still awake so that’s a fail to be sure. So I’m off to redden my bottom and cuddle up with Polie for a few hours before I have to get up and start the day again. Once again, solid in my resolve to try and a hair brush on the side of my bed for when I fail. Oh what a life I live (Giggle)