Self Care

Self Discipline and Accountability

Having had the benefit of good solid DD/lg relationships in the past…I sometimes find myself feeling lost in the freedom of being single. ย I miss having a Dom to care for me, guide me, hold me accountable for what I do and what I don’t do. ย During the last 6 months of self evaluation I had to realize that the prelude to my sub/little frenzy was my need for dominance in my life. ย My need for accountability was leading me to lower my standards of what I was looking for and what I was willing to accept in a relationship.

Self Spanking.jpgMy desire for that mentor in my life blinded me to seeing the truth in many situations that I should have recognized this but often when your in the eye of the stop it’s hard to see it coming. ย So I’ve found myself taking on the role of self punishing and let me just say…it’s been HARD! ย I’m doing my best to be accountable to myself for staying on track with eating right, working out, going to bed on time and lets just say…I miss that mark a LOT!!! My self confidence outside of work is at a low. ย I struggle to find my self worth and use that as a justification for having missed a meal or a work out. ย As you can imagine, thatย pendulum can swing back and forth all day long.
self sapanking 2.jpgSo at the beginning of the month, I sat down and wrote out a list of the rules and punishments that have worked for me in the past. ย I then created a check list for the day and at the end of the day I review it to see where I stand. ย Let me be honest here…it’s NOT EASY and to be honest with you, most nights I’m setting a timer and placing myself in the corner for 5 minutes, giving myself a spanking for missing meals, missing bedtime…and for not really putting any efforts into sayingย my affirmations.

What I am finding, I suck at this as well. ย It hurts yes, but only on a physical level. ย There is no sense of shame, no sense of deep seeded need to do better. ย Just the nagging feeling of disappointment in myself and the whisper to just give up and wallow for the day. ย And yet…I get up, dust myself off, and I try again. ย I just keep putting that one foot forward in the hopes that at some point I will stop feeling like I’m doing a square dance and actually making progress forward.

It’s almost 1am and I am still awake so that’s a fail to be sure. ย So I’m off to redden my bottom and cuddle up with Polie for a few hours before I have to get up and start the day again. ย Once again, solid in my resolve to try and a hair brush on the side of my bed for when I fail. ย Oh what a life I live (Giggle)

 

One Foot In Front Another.jpg

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