My Journey · Speaking from the Soul

Love and loss

I always use to think that love was so easy.  That if you love someone that everything just falls into place.  However, what I have never been able to accept is what do you do when it doesn’t?  I recently lost a dear friend who took his own life.  He took his life after a fight with a woman whom he had loved for years and never recovered from.  He knew that she was poison, knew she was bad for him, knew we all supported him ending things with her but still…he had battle scars from loving her.

Though he was a vanilla friend, he knew what I was, laughed at my high jinxs as he called them and would wonder at the contradictions in my personality.  However, whenever I showed up on his door step with a frown on his face he had a throw back jersey, a movie and strong arms to make me feel better.  I always tried to respect what everyone says about give him space to recover from her but after 5 years…when did he heal?  She is a narcissistic bitch who rode him to a dark place which I would always try to pull him back from.  I honestly believed if I kept him talking, kept him loving me then nothing she said would break him.

I took his death hard…I took it personally.  I was ANGRY that he left ME…that he had abandoned ME and I wanted to kill her for what he had done TO ME.  I reached out to Mr. Taurus who was at work and tried but there isn’t much you can do via text.  I  finally called The Commish and vented to him.  In doing so I finally admitted something to myself that I haven’t admitted before.  This is why I always fought so hard for the Commish when he was my Story Daddy.  Its why I would never give him peace in his dark moods.  It’s why when Mr. Taurus started pushing me away I fought to stay close.  I have been fighting this battle for years but never admitting it to myself.

I basically DEMAND that those I love allow me in DEEP so that I know they are ok.  I have lost others to suicide and frankly, I hate that feeling….the helplessness of asking what I could have done differently….the never answered questions that circle in your brain when your trying to sleep.  When those I love push me away I am like a flea, I dig deep into their skin and won’t let go.  However, in my talk with the Commish he said something that touched my heart…he told me that I had saved him.  He shared with me that he had gotten better not from my bullying my way into his life but in knowing that I loved him, I cared and that even when we fought and said bad things love was still there.

So I thought on this after we got off the phone and realized that what he said was true, that he wasn’t the same as when we first had started talking….we had celebrated 1 year of friendship and unlike before when he would say we had no “relationship” he know embraced our friendship anniversary and told me that he missed me without me asking.

There isn’t a lot of support for me who have endured an abusive relationship as not many see emotional and verbal cruelty towards a man as such.  However it is and it killed my friend.  I no longer can call and hear that deep voice saying my name.  I can’t go back to NC and climb into his bed next to his girlfriend and demand pancakes….however I have to accept that his pain is now gone and he has the peace he couldn’t find here.

Can I say that this lesson has taught me to take a step back when men I love push me away?  I’m not sure, but it has taught me that I have to look outside myself and trust that those I love see me, know I am here and love me just as deeply for the unconditional love that I give.  However, sometimes they can’t overcome the demons and I have to love them even when I have to say good bye.

b0c39cd2bb3431f7b65628fc461287deBut it’s not really good bye….he is still with me, still loving me and still in my heart.  As a tribute to him, Drill SGT bought me the 93in teddy bear that Byron has been threatening to get me for the last 5 years.  He is massive, he is huge and Byron would have LOVED to have been there to not only watch my brother buy it but to see my face light up, me squeal and then run and jump onto my new friend.

I didn’t go to the funeral, just unable to do it.  But I know that he understood.  Love isn’t always perfect, it’s not always roses, and it’s not always what you think or expect it to be.  Sometimes it’s painful, it’s ugly and it sucks.  But we can’t just have the good, we have to accept the bad even when it takes something from us that leaves us heart broken.

I won’t remember Bryon as my friend who killed himself over a crazy bitch.  I will always remember our trip to Costco when I first saw my bear and LOST MY MIND.  I will look at my bear, hear his laugh and remember how blessed I was to have him for the time that I did.  For the lessons that I learned from loving him and how loving him allowed me to love the Commish and how he has blessed my life as well.

Yes…love is a blessing that I have in my life that I am VERY grateful for.  That a 93 in tall bear that has a personality of his own so watch out (Giggle).

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