My mind is clear for the first time in a week…and while clarity is wonderful it isn’t giving me the joy it normally does. My mind is happy to be free from the constant doubts and vast avenue of unrestricted freedom while my heart still sings of loss.
I had the best dream of Garrick last night, I was lovingly spread across his lap spanking my behind into a bright rosey red. How many swats I received I don’t know, what I do know is that I tried to fight and struggle but strong arms held me in place. I begged for mercy but my cries fell on deaf ears. I screamed for him to stop defiant I would not count as he smacked my bottom. He spanked me until I sobbed with release of all that I have been holding in for fear.
When he was done I was sent to my knee’s between his legs and I held on to him still weeping and crying how sorry I was for anything that crossed my mind. He lifted my face by my chin and forced me to look at time . His gaze never waive red as he told me I would not be allowed to leave, I would have structure, and I would obey his rules.
He reminded me that I was his property and with him was where I belonged before pulling me into his arms and holding me in his embrace cooing what a good girl I was. He was proud I handled my spanking and the past was done. His voice soothed me to sleep in my dream and when I awoke my heart sang out before my mind reminded me it was a dream.
That I haven’t talked to him in almost a week, that there would be no punishment, no spanking, no words of ownership spoken in a voice that brokered no argument. It was the dream of my little meant to bring a moment of comfort and allow my body to rest.
As I rolled from bed and started my day I realized that I am ok…I can own how much it sucks and still be okay. I can take a deep breathe and put one foot in front of the other and move forward. It’s okay to feel broken and it’s okay to feel loss. It’s okay to not know where to go from here, as long as I at least walk back to the path my journey hasn’t been in vain.
I can shed the tears and mourn the lost as long as I don’t stop trying to move forward. Yesterday was my pity party, today is my day of mourning , tomorrow….tomorrow is another day that I will face when my eyes open to greet it.