I think that I finally have this thing licked and under control….these feelings and emotions that just won’t go away. After writing last night I climbed into bed and laid there but could not sleep. I thought about how badly I had wanted to cum all day and couldn’t. How badly I wanted to feel submissive toward Him and couldn’t and why this was bothering me so badly.
I tossed and turned for a few hours and finally just gave in. I pulled out the Drill SGT’s list of rules and looked them over, looking for some direction to make this move or go away. I looked at the daily task to be on my knee’s before I get into bed and it called to me, I mean really called to me but I didn’t want to do it because the Drill SGT said to do it. I wanted to do it because He had said to do it. I wanted to be able to tell Him that I had kneeled before Him before bed and laid bare all the secrets in my heart before I went to bed and to have Him sooth my hair and tell me how proud He was of me for serving him in this way.
I cried I mean really gave into what I was feeling and just cried. The need to be on my knee’s drove me there and in my mind I was between His knee’s with my head on His lap and His hand in my hair and just cried…hell I am crying now just to think about it. But it felt good, good to purge those tears and I realized a few things that I had been avoiding.
I am mad because at times when He creeps into my brain, more and more he is Garrick and not Daddy, not Sir, not Master. More and more, my brain wonders what “Garrick” is doing and not what “Daddy” is doing and I had to admit that is why I said to Him yesterday that it is starting to feel more like he is my boyfriend. I had freaked out thinking that he was mad at me and sent a message to ask and was assured that he wasn’t but then when we talked after work he didn’t bring it up. We had a really nice conversation but after we hung up I was feeling some type of way but couldn’t put my finger on it.
I realized last night on my knee’s that I was hurt that he had forgotten, that even though he had a long day and I had remained quiet so he could focus. I had planned to bring it back up while he was driving home but he was so tired and I just didn’t want to stress him is what I told myself but I realized on my knee’s that I was hurt that he had forgotten that there was something wrong with me. He had forgotten that I his submissive and slave had come to him to confess that I had an issue and he forgot it. Now I know he is not perfect and had a ton on his plate at work but I wanted to be important enough for him to remember that I have needs and to want to fullfill them.
Going through my old rules this weekend showed me how much I miss the structure of my old life. It also reminded me how much I miss having a strong Dom in my life and let me just say that this thought brought me up short in a way that you just can’t understand. I felt guilty that I had betrayed Him in some way, called him weak but after a few moments of thought I realized that wasn’t it…it was that I dont’ feel I have a Dom’s presence in my life currently. I feel like I did before Him, lost and alone…the s without the D, the only difference now is instead of craving some unknown Daddy I have so much love in my heart for Him and see Him in all that I think and do.
I have asked him so many times how do I please him, how do I make him happy and he always tells me that I do and I think I do…just now in the way that I wanted. I wanted to fullfill his Dom needs and please him there so vailidate my presence in his life. I wanted to fill that void in his life that Dominance fills for him. Instead I feel like he loves me, and he needs me, and loves talking with me…but I also feel like the other woman. Like I am taking something from her by being in his life. Like I am hurting his marriage by taking what is her’s and does not belong to me because there is no part of him that belongs to me.
I get cranky when he doesn’t say good night because I feel I didn’t cross his mind before he closed his eyes but more because I feel like I have closed yet another day without serving him. How just his simple text to get in bed and close my eyes gave me so feeling of servitude and I was missing that…more than I had realized. I have reread his blog a few times and what he wrote no longer gives me comfort and that bothers me. I ask myself if I have asked to much or expected to much and then I berate myself because I have asked for so little that to ask for anything less would be to ask for nothing.
I told myself that I was only feeling this way because I hadn’t had an orgasm for a few days and that made me cry more. All day I have been unable to achieve orgasm and I finally realized it was because I didn’t feel I deserved one. After the bratty way I acted yesterday and throwing a tantrum I didn’t’ deserve to cum and have pleasure after being so bad. Now I realize that it is not my place to say if I have been punished correctly or not but it went back to question of was this a real punishment or not.
Was he really mad that I touched his property without his permission or was it an easy way of throwing me a bone to pacify me for a little while so he could focus on more important things. He didn’t sound angry when he grounded me, he didn’t sound angry when I kept badgering him and he added more time. Hell he didn’t even care that I deleted it from my list to defy him about giving me said rule. Yes I know that he is laid back and easy going but I have felt his passion before and want to feel it again.
But then it brings me to the last thing that I realized on my knees last night…maybe he isn’t passionate about me any longer. Maybe now that I have fallen in love with him and submitted there is nothing but the comfortable love for each other. The comfortable friendship that we have built and grown together. Can this be enough to sustain me? Can I accept just that and not ask for more or will I one day find myself wanting more only to learn that he has nothing left to give me? He has his wife and he has Carol…what does he need me for? The answer that came back to me was NOTHING! I ended the night all cried out with no more tears and dragged myself to bed.
I woke up this morning feeling numb….not made, not scared, not happy…just numb. There was no text from him to say Good Morning but I sent one to let him know that I was awake. Nothing came back, not even the text that he was in the car driving to work asking if he should call me.
I worry that he is sick and unable to tell me, or that he made it to work and just didn’t have time to talk. He has a lot going on…maybe he needed the time alone to think. Either way, I think that I need to prepare myself to return to the unclaimed shelf for unwanted babygirls. I tried to tell myself that I should be strong enough to just accept what his actions are telling me and walk away but it rips my heart out to think of it. So instead…I will wait for him to decide that he doesn’t want me any more and I will make it okay for him because I love him.
I will put on my happy face, and I will be here when he wants me and try to accept the little parts of him that he can give me for as long as he can and will deal with the rest in that alone time after he is gone.