The last few days I have been…in turmoil I guess is the best word for it. Confused as to what it was in my heart that I needed to express but finding no words to get out. I have turned to my Bestie for advice and I have read other blogs looking for answers, all this I have done telling myself I was doing this BEFORE I went to Daddy with my problem. I felt like I needed to have it all ironed out before taking it to Him telling myself that He is busy and has a lot going on and I don’t want to take up to much of his time.
However today something happened that has left me shaken to my core and unable to sleep and I find that more than anything I want to go to Daddy, kneel before him and actually let him see my tears falling. I see now what Mookie was trying to tell me and am ashamed that it took thinking Daddy was angry or mad at me to actually bring this out of me.
Normally on the weekends I hear from Daddy at least every hour even if its only I love you, I miss you, or I’m thinking of you. I have come to love our app (Couples) even more for the stickers it allows us to send back and forth. However today it was different…first 4 hours went by and I found myself thinking it was because I’ve been so selfish lately in taking advantage of His kindness in allowing me to make chooses. He said he didn’t think I did but yet I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong even if I kept telling myself that it was in my head.
5 hours later Daddy messaged me and I was SO RELIVED to hear from him I had tears falling down my face in joy that he wasn’t angry with me, he hadn’t decided I was to much work, and he wasn’t…I was just happy to have him back. However I realized something in the hours that He was silent….my will was silent. My brain thought back to a post by My Dark Confession called “Concerns“in which she talks about how the long leash her Daddy had given her was causing her issues. Of the post written by Thoughts of Sir called “Be Careful” and cautioned how a long leash can actually pull you away from the one you love. There were a couple of others as well but it took me back to a question that my bestie Mookie asked me…”Why have a Master if you want to do everything for yourself?”
I scoffed at her and replied that I don’t do everything for myself and I take everything to him but I got a picture from her giving me THAT LOOK. What I realized during His quiet times today is that I think, I process, then I present to Him for his input and direction. I brag and relish in the freedom that he has given me and have taken it to mean that Daddy didn’t feel the need to restrict me. He has told me time and time again that he doesn’t wish to change me but today I realized that not having rules has changed me.
I am lax in doing my exercise because I don’t really view it as a rule of His but rather something he wants to help me with and so added it to the list. I know that when I forget He will forgive me and there is no harm no foul and I move on. When I miss my bedtime, it doesn’t bother me because I know that He will forgive me knowing that it wasn’t on purpose. But today I found myself wondering how much can I expect him to forgive or be understanding of? I actually found myself hiding behind the thought that if He did not like my actions then he would call me on them so that made it all in my head.
But this now brings to me something that My Dark Confession wrote in her post, “Concerns“…I have always been an alpha person. I make decisions every day and am use to it. When it comes to work, the kids, and everything else…I am the bus driver of it all. However when I am with Him, I am compelled to bring it to him and let him make my decisions. Other times, I feel the lax in my leash and still have to explore and push until I find where the end is.
Sexually I have given it over and find msyelf looking forward to having Him push me. However emotionally…emotionally I use that long leash to step away and keep Him at bay so that I won’t disappoint him. I worry that he will find my lacking in that department and I will lose him.
I’ve been so caught up in my head that I totally missed my bestie posting a page to my blog. When I read her Lioness not Housecat post I was MAD and wanted to slap her (still weighing my odds on my chances) but then I realized some of what she said was true. With all this said I know that I should be pulling my big girl pants up and readying myself to tell Daddy I need my leash shortened and less freedom. But the turtle in me wants to pull inside my shell asking who am I to tell Him what I do and don’t need? Or even wondering if…. and there my brain goes, off to to the races with the WHAT IF’s.
It’s past my bedtime, my brain is a mess, and I’m pretty sure this post is as well. However being that I strive to be honest with myself and those that read this…I will tell you to grab a straight jacket as the inmates have taken over the asylum and its going to be a bumpy road ahead.