Going Turtle without even realizing

Yesterday was an interesting day.  It started well waking up to Daddy even though he was snowed in and we didn’t get our morning talk as he drove into work.  But we still had time  to play and it was…it was different from our normal text play because I got a vibe from Daddy that I haven’t gotten before and it made me feel SO GOOD.  I was smiling and happy that we are connecting in a new way and opening to each other.

Daddy commented on my last blog and gave me good feedback and my bestie was out on parole and able to text again.  I even joked that since Daddy asked for my Tumblr link again that I couldn’t Tumblr with other boys now cause he knew my hide out (Daddy’s reply was that he didn’t care because he knew who my heart belongs to….I think we both know I haven’t wanted anyone since him).  It was seeming like a Disney kind of day.

But then thoughts crept into my mind that made me feel really scared and worried about our relationship and I could not find the courage to tell Him as my Daddy or my Master…the words would not come in a phone call, a text, or an email.  I thought to turn to my bestie for comfort and guidance and instead was lectured that as His property I had to take these worries to Him and stop going “turtle” when things affect me on an emotional level.

Let me say that this made me HIGHLY UPSET with her (Love you Mookie) because for years she has been my sounding board and partner in crime.  However it did give me a better appreciation for her love for her Master and the bond that they shared and showed me what I can have if I just stop trying to do everything for myself before I go to Him.  It also explained why when she has a problem I always hear AFTER she and her Master have talked and our conversation isn’t HOW to fix her problem but her concerns and how her Master helped her get through it.

I have to admit that as much as I make fun of her for all the rules she has in a way I have always envied her the security of knowing that she is loved enough that he set the rules and valued enough that he enforces the rules.   No matter how many times we have put our heads together to get around them…I could always see the secret joy in her eyes when the loop hole was closed and she avoided punishment by thinking outside the box.  His pride in her mind and creativeness and the respect He had for it (even if I did help) always made me feel like I was missing out on something.

I tried to lure Mookie into helping me sort these things out but she would not budge.  No matter how much I tried to explain that Daddy would be okay with her helping me sort my feelings.  Then she turned it around on me and asked “but would your Master?”  She told me that I had to come to the place where I stopped looking at Him as my Daddy and respecting him as my Master if I was going to learn to be a good slave and walk that path.

As I laid in bed fuming at her betrayal and neglect (yeah I was in a mood) I received an email from Daddy about being so quiet and asking if everything was alright.  A part of me knew I should have responded right then and there with the truth and told him my worries but Ididn’t want to burden him with my silliness.  I also didn’t want to lie and say that I hadn’t seen his messages on the Couples app.  I tried to tell myself that just an “I got it” would have been okay but to many words, no direction…I pulled into my shell, told myself it was okay because he would understand, and didn’t say anything.  I tossed and turned well after my bedtime trying to figure this out and come out of my shell but just felt overwhelmed.  At one point I gave up and wrote Daddy an email before my body finally gave in to exhaustion.

I woke this morning and the first thing I wanted to do was retract my email but as always…once its sent, you can’t get it back.  So instead I sent Daddy a message to say Good Morning knowing that I deserved to be yelled at and scolded but was then glad when he did neither and I realized he hadn’t noticed the time stamp on my email or my good night message to him.  He had responded to my email and we talked but still I couldn’t find the words to express what had happened or why but Daddy didn’t press and said that he would give me the time to process and that we would talk later.

You would think that this would have been the end of my struggle, I could push it under the rug and move on with the day but Mookie wouldn’t allow that.  Being the pain in my ass that she can be when she makes up her mind to push me on something she gave me the scolding that Daddy hadn’t calling me a coward and pointing out my habit of getting things tabled and never going back.  She told me that if Daddy was important to me that I needed to push past my regular habits and continued to nag me until I made an iron clad promise to express at least something of yesterday’s issues.

I finally got the words out in an email and sent it to Daddy.  Don’t ask me what it said because I didn’t think, I just wrote and to much of a coward to re-read.  But it must have been right because Daddy and I had a great conversation afterward, sharing stories and talking and it felt…JUST RIGHT.  Once again reminded why I love him, why I trust him, why I choose him as my Daddy and My Master I was the happiness babygirl when Daddy put me to bed after an excellent play session.

Now I just need to be sure that I don’t repeat yesterday and ensure that I am earning Daddy’s love.


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