Its funny how the words “I love you” hold so much importance. They can make you blush with happiness, heart soar with joy, spirit spring up in wonder. They do all of this but they hold power also, the power to stop you in your tracks. While at a meeting last week a Slave that I have a lot of respect for made the statement that she never wanted the words “But I love you” to tamper with her Masters ownership and control on her. She never wanted him to feel that she had said those words to manipulate him from doing something he felt he needed to do or had to do when it came to his control and Dominance of her.
It sounded…so WOW at the time that I heard it and I made a point of telling Daddy when I talked to him that I wanted that in our relationship. That I didn’t want our love for each other to undermine our TPE (Total Power Exchange). I wanted him to know that I love him enough to understand that there would be times when he would do something I did not like or want but that he felt was for the best…I trusted him as my Master to know that if he did something to break me that he would not leave my side until he had put me back together. It sounded great when I heard her say it…it sounded wonderful when I said it to my Master and we were in agreement and I closed the chapter on it patting myself on the back and congratulating myself on being so smart to understand, process, and file this piece of information away so quickly.
However yesterday my cheekiness got me in trouble with Daddy and I was being punished. I kept asking and begging Daddy to let my punishment be done and realized quite a few times how close the words “But don’t you love me” were to coming out of my mouth. Why would I say this after having the pretty speech with Daddy that I would never try to manipulate him or use my/his love against him like that. I knew that Masters punishment was for my own good and that he wasn’t really hurting me…I was just wanting my own way…bucking his control and upset over something else that was not in my control.
Granted my punishment ended and Daddy rewarded me for doing so well and all was right with the world but still it lingered on and festered. I realized today that I was ashamed that my mind had gone there. I racked my brain hoping that I had held those dirty words in every time they sprang to mind and convinced that if they did fall from my lips Master would have been within his right to smack my mouth for uttering them. I spent the day thinking of all the times that someone had called me a spoiled brat and realized that it was true. I was capable of using love to manipulate someone into doing what I wanted them to do because it’s what I wanted. It wasn’t a nice feeling nor an easy pill to swallow.
I tried to cheer myself up, taking comfort in the fact that I did make a strong effort not to say those words and that I didn’t hurt my Daddy by actually saying them as if I doubt something that he goes out of his way to show me. That I did not say those words in an effort to get what I thought I wanted and robbing myself of what I truly desired…the joy of hearing Daddy tell me that I was his good girl and how proud he was of me. I guess I will have to take comfort in that for now and work on the rest tomorrow.